Easton is in the hospital again. We arrived on Monday. Sunday morning he and Cooper woke up with a cough, but Easton started to sound like croup come evening. Sunday night was awful. I took him to the pediatrician on Monday and his oxygen was reading much lower than it was at home (in the 60s) so he required a liter of oxygen to keep his SATS up. We were transported by ambulance from the pediatrician's office to Primary's since he needed oxygen to get to PCH and we returned his tanks a couple of months ago because he never used them. (He loved the ride down. Slept the whole way.) I'm hoping this isn't a sign of how awful this winter is going to be on us and hoping maybe he is going to get it out of his system early. We thought he had croup, but the only thing that came back positive was rhinovirus. They tried 4-5 times to get an IV placed with no luck so we went the feeding tube route. He isn't peeing much and is throwing up his feeds due to coughing. They are going to let us go home though with some oxygen and probably on a more continuous feed (which feels like a huge step backwards in the feeding area). We can slowly work up to normal feeds for him again. He doesn't want to each anything really and is very whiney and in a quiet way because his voice seems to be mostly gone. He just wants mommy to hold him. Grateful to be going home. Cooper is also sick and I feel back that I can't be home to take care of him, too. I called to tell him I'd be home today to take care of him and his voice perked up. He was very happy about that.
I try to document everything on our blog because I can't remember everything down the road when they ask me. Also because it is a bit therapeutic for me. And to keep people informed. So I am going to share that I really am struggling. I felt like I held it together quite well for a good portion of the year, but things are starting to wear on me. More than anything I think I'm tired, which seems to effect everything--- my mood, my ability to cope, my ability to take care of my home and family. This journey has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Some days I don't know how I'm still doing it. However, I know that it is due to wonderful friends and family. Most people don't understand. Many people no longer help like they used to (mostly friends). Our family is amazing, helping with the kids, but I'm finding I need help with the home, some time to myself (a nap would be great), and someone to talk to. I have started going to counseling in hopes of learning how to better manage my stress and to cope with this difficult, but blessed life of mine. I'm trying to do better about accepting compliments instead of putting myself down. I'm also starting to realize that maybe everyone is right when they say, "I couldn't do what you do." or "They are yours for a reason." I am starting to realize that there are many out there that couldn't do this journey (and that's ok). And even though I'm doing it, doesn't mean that it is easy or that it is expected to be. It doesn't make the disappointments go away. It doesn't make it easier. It just means I can keep going another day. I haven't given up and don't plan to. Some days I feel like I can't do it anymore, but I do. And this journey truly is a blessing, just a very difficult one to learn how to manage and to enjoy sometimes. I'm constantly running around feeling like I'm just trying to stay afloat and though I feel like I'm about the drown, I still haven't. I'm grateful for the gospel that can provide comfort as well as priesthood blessings. For hospital stays that remind me just how much I truly love my little family, especially my husband. (Gosh I miss him so much when we are apart.) For a mom that knows my struggles, who listens, who encourages, and doesn't give up on me. For a patient husband who also doesn't give up on me even though I know he doesn't quite understand my level of constant worry and stress. For friends who that talk to me, pray for our family, and do things to let us know they care. All these things are things that help us, but especially me, keep going each day. There is nothing better than knowing someone sees you as an inspiration or a strong person to help you keep going. I truly hope I can look back one day (hopefully sooner than later) and say "Boy was that a rough time, but we made it through. Life is hard, but we are thriving. Life is hard, but I am HAPPY. I am enjoying life." I'm still trying to figure it out, but I have hope that at some point we will feel a little more stable, a little more capable, a little more confident, and more satisfied with where our life is at and ok with the level of difficulty that it is.
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